What does it have to do with me? Good artists borrow, great artists steal. I’m going to steal Nathaniel’s entire 365 Project, from goals of daily short stories, down to his plan to Tweet a link to each Ficly entry, with the tag “Ficly365.” I may even make a weekly post linking to them. Not sure yet.

The obvious question to anyone who knows me: Do I expect to succeed? Well, I intended to write an entry for this blog on December 16th, having that date gone a full year without an entry. A year ago, and still now, I intend to shore up the blog a bit design wise. So, am I actually expecting to pull this off? No; but that’s because I’m a realist. Am I going to try anyway? Absolutely; I’m also a romantic, and what cause is greater than a lost one? I submit there is none. Only knowing full well the result of ones actions can one launch headlong into process without a specter of doubt looming over him, and knowing failure is imminent gives me the ability to proceed into an insane task without flinching.

Who needs opportunity? I want certainty, damn the outcome.

If you like, you can read the first entry here. It’s actually rather important to read the prequel and understand what the original writer was going for, as mine was just a riff on his.

She says “Hackers hacked my computer and now there’s this porno all over it!” I tell her it’s very unusual that someone would do this, and she tells me that “there’s no way my husband is looking at photography of naked men. He just would not do that. It’s not right.” You’re probably thinking what I was thinking; dude was in the closet, right? I figure that or the guy’s bi/bi-curious, even if they’re and older couple, maybe he’s carried this for a long time. Well, during the whole process of removing porn adware installed on her computer (processes running, startup options, etc., nothing special,) she says something that tips me off…

She says, “I’m just worried my daughter saw this stuff while she was on it last night while doing her home work. They work the kids so hard these days. She was up half the night in here, and I just do not know how she got it working with all these pop-ups.” Eureka.

“They won’t vote for you, or buy your newspapers, if you trash their entertainment with your ignorant ravings. Call them social inadequates if you like, but when they have more friends in World of Warcraft than you have in your entire sad little booze-oriented culture of a real life, the most you’ll get from them is pity.
…
Games are mainstream. Drown, or learn to swim.”

(Rant as found via RaphKoster.com.)

Hello,

Your job ad asked for a cover letter outlining my gamer history/identity, so I’ll be writing to that effect. I fall squarely in the area of ‘disenfranchised gamer’. Here’s why.

Imagine a restaurant that has an amazing soup. Another chef tastes this and says “I can do better!” He then opens his own restaurant, and makes his own soup, similar, but slightly better than the original. The game industry is this, but with dozens of chefs each competing with what they think is the best recipe for their soup. A dozen chefs compete over tomato soup, another dozen over gazpacho, and the entire time all I can do is sit here, eating soup, and think to myself, “What do I have to do to get some fucking meatloaf?”

What this leads me to is two options. Either: A)most Game Makers (by which I refer to people who actually have the power to determine what a game will be,) think that there currently exists a game that is damn near perfect, save one tiny flaw… And this Game Maker sees this flaw, and will fix it, or B)the Game Maker is just trying to make a fun game, or is even just happy to be making a living in the game industry, and I shouldn’t bust his balls for either trying something a little different, or just doing what it takes to get by.

A? They don’t exist. Or at least I really hope that they don’t. If they do? Damn. The Games Industry is in bigger trouble than I ever considered…

But B? The rest of the industry decision makers? Fuck those guys.

Okay, I talk a tough game but obviously I have a weak spot for many games otherwise I couldn’t get so angry. And yes, my weak spot is repeatedly attacked for massive damage by what some would call ‘obvious’ protagonists; a first person shooter/puzzle game was my favorite of last year, Fumito Ueda can do no wrong in my eyes, Tim Schafer is indeed a genius (it’s fact.) But don’t you worry about every Game Maker who works for a developer owned by Activision, EA, Ubisoft, and every other huge company that has titles that guarantee profit and can afford to try new things? Why aren’t they trying to raise the bar regularly by pushing games out in crazy new areas? I mean, when Nintendo, the company who has probably whored their mascot out more than any other company ever, is considered ‘out there’ and ‘risky’ by trying to appeal to the mainstream… That really shows how little anyone else is trying at all.

So that’s why I’m applying to your company. Because fuck you for not caring more.
–
Jeffool (blahblahblah)

Yeah, it was at that last line that I realized “Wow, I think I safely qualify as emo. I really need to calm the fuck down and collect my wits.” I think that, with this cover letter, I may have achieved the most self-aggrandizing post I’ve ever written. Let’s hope so, anyway. More than this and I don’t know what I’d do with myself.

Also, note to self: Less commas, less Portishead, more instrumental surf rock.

My problem is that she targets the game, and the method of input. I disagree with the priorities of people that consider particular games like Manhunt 2, or movies like Saw, to be problems, but not aspects of the culture in general. My problem isn’t the existence of games where you can kill others (in this case, it’s even self-defense!) Hell, I don’t even care if someone does make Murder Simulator 2020. My complaint is the culture of gaming (game developers and gamers themselves,) that is so dependent on violence as content that it’s largely retarded growth into other areas that games could gain from. And of course this is because after graphics, physics are the next easiest part of programming to improve on. Games are just advancing along the path of least resistance.

Y’know, I just hope that in the end, games can drive people to kill, to love, to loathe, to orgasm, and to regret. Not due of repetition and warping of the player’s sense of ‘normalcy’, but because of passion and persuasiveness. Because after playing the game, the player actually cares enough to act, in some way. Of course, I’d rather players try to save the world…

This isn’t an excuse mind you, just an explanation. I thought I could handle both the job and a game, but that didn’t happen. I find myself only working and sleeping (or trying to sleep,) with my time. So I thought “Hey, I’ll get a pal in on it. Working with a partner always makes it flow easier, and makes it easier to stay interested in something.” Alas, no takers. Everyone’s heard the statement along the lines of “if you’re not willing to see something through to the end, you’ll never make it.” If that’s true, I’ll never make it. That’s why I chose to go to a school to learn programming rather than teaching myself, I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. The second I had to use a double pointer I would’ve given up. I suppose in school I expected to find people there who wanted to forsake having a personal life, live on a diet of rice and noodle based foods, like in a commune-like apartment, and be the next id software, but I never did. They may have been there, but I didn’t meet them.

I’ve been putting off posting this for a while, and have multiple drafts of it written, but I guess it’s time. I announce my defeat in video games. Though sure, I’ll still write about them, and probably other stuff too if I can find the time now.

I suppose I’ll launch headlong into this ‘news’ thing now, seeing as that’s currently what pays the bills. And the bills are mounting up; thank you student loans. Odd how life works out, and how work lives out.

I sat down and, after much contemplation, decided to reinvest myself in games. Sure the news producing seemed like a safer bet to change life, but as that failed, my production job does leave me with more free time than producing would have. Something had to change in life, and I do love my games… It was settled. I would game.

I’ve been slacking a while in programming, so I began to ramp up for a couple of weeks. I emailed someone about an idea of theirs I’d always thought nifty and the chances of my making it a reality. They were okay with it; in fact they were supportive. (I consider them nothing less than a Gaming Bodhisattva.) I’ve even talked with couple of old friends about their willingness to go on this journey with me in making a serious stab at indy development. I talked with Microsoft about offering game(s) on Xbox Live Arcade. I’ve got a NDA on my dresser I have to sign and return before they’ll talk to me any more about the topic. And then last week I got offered the job producing the morning show.

Sunday I worked 3pm-midnight, and then I started my new shift Monday night of 10pm-7:30am. This job and getting used to the new sleep schedule is, in few words, kicking my ass. The show is a beast, but doable. But now I have to think about this new situation. I dove back into the gaming pool thinking that producing was off the table and that I would still have lots of free time from my production job. Now that I’m a producer, do I still want to pursue the game, or do I want to relax and see where the producing takes me over the next few years? The thought of relaxing is always tempting, isn’t it? It’s a bitch when the heart and head disagree. Obviously the heart says to quit my job and develop games full time, but I can’t afford that. The head says to relax, just produce, and enjoy life. That’s just dumb. So, I’m going to try both. … Wow, I totally didn’t expect to write that when I started this thing. I wonder if there’s a word for completely surprising yourself. I guess I’ll have to change the title of this post. (It was “MIA: Me”, and written to explain to all the folk I chat with where I’ve been. Working.) The game may just take a little longer now.